Lucas List #3: The Bad Year

Dear Lucas,

I always planned to write a letter on your second birthday, but I never anticipated the last two years would unfold - or unravel - the way they did. I hoped to write something witty or profound, but the words that came instead were wistful or profane.

You see, your grandpa has been disappointed, sad and angry. I need to tell you that so I can tell you this:

That watching you learn and grow brought joy that your grandma and I never imagined possible in a dark time of sorrow and anxiety.

That the New Year may or may not be better, but whatever else it brings, there will be love, laughter and new experiences because of you.

There is one more thing that's too big for me to ignore. One day you will have questions about events that happened before you were aware. When that day comes, I won't have the answers. What I will tell you is that I remember a bad year when the only thing that made your mom smile was her beautiful baby boy.

You have done more for our family in two years, little man, than we have done for you.

Happy birthday.

The President's Day Diet

Yes – YES! already – I need to go on a diet.

I need to lose weight because:

A) I’m fat.

2) A certain someone else is on a diet, and because of that, apparently I’m even fatter than I was yesterday.

Public Notice: This is not the New Year’s Cliché Diet. More like a President’s Day Diet. I will use President Taft for inspiration. He was really fat.

It won’t be a diet where I have to count things. I don’t like counting, and besides, I suspect someone else is already, secretly doing that for me.

Nor will it be the 365 Ways To Make Chicken And Pretend That It Tastes Good Diet.

I won't be buying food through the mail or attending support groups or spending a lot of time complaining that I'm on a diet. I'm just going to, quietly, not eat so much.

Thought: If I had to eat a bacon cheeseburger with low-fat ground beef, turkey bacon and light cheese I wouldn’t eat bacon cheeseburgers at all. I think I prefer not eating something to eating something that pretends to be something I actually like. At least my treasured memories will remain intact.

Fruit – check. Veggies – yup. Water – sure, bring me a bucket. Candy bars and Cheetos - fat chance! Got it.

There shall be exercise, but I don't care to talk about that.

There will be pizza on occasion; there will just be less of it. If I have to give up pizza all together, then the terrorists have won. Eat free or die!

I'm hoping to lose somewhere between 10 and 13 3/4 lbs. in Phase I, which will either begin or end on President's Day, I'll have to get back to you on that.

PS -- So you know: Turkey “bacon” isn’t a real thing. Turkey is turkey and bacon is something else.

How Was Your Service?

Would you say that being asked to answer survey questions while standing in line at your friendly, local mega-store is:

A) Acceptable except that I was in here yesterday and answered the same questions - as I have done at every other retailer I shopped this holiday season.

B) No big deal. Do I get free stuff or something?

C) An efficient way to empower me, the customer, to share valuable feedback about the delightful service I have received thus far at this fine establishment. I actually enjoy providing data the store manager can use in her quarterly performance measures report to corporate to help further a company-wide commitment to continuous improvement.

D) The last thing I want to hear when the line is 14 people deep and I'm just trying to get home with my kaopectate and Marlboro Light 100s.

E) Annoying to the point that you don't want me to take your survey (trust me!).

F) Absofreakinlutely swell! I just have a few questions I'd like to ask you first. It will only take a few minutes.