I have an irrational itch to buy a van. Not a mini-van, but a full-size, gas-guzzling, doesn’t-fit-in-the-garage VAN van. Something from the Ford E-series. I don’t know why, exactly, but here are 10 possible reasons I can think of:
1) A van says, “Fashion doesn’t apply to me. I’m beyond fashion. I’m post-fashion. You wouldn’t understand.”
2) Vans are boxy. Boxy is good. Whatever the opposite of aerodynamic is, that’s what vans are. I like to displace a lot of air when I drive. That’s just me.
3) It would be a home away from home. I could have a picnic in there. Or spend the night. And if that van’s a rockin’, you know, I could be playing Snowball Fight on the Wii Fit or something.
4) Almost nobody has one. That would place me in an elite club, like astronauts or serial killers or the number of people who saw Glenn Beck's new movie “The Christmas Sweater – A Return To Redemption.”
5) It may be the closest I ever get to my dream of driving a bus, which I’ve had since I was a kid when I used to break into the old church bus parked across the field from my house. I did get to drive a city snowplow once, for a couple miles, but that’s as close as I got.
6) I could get one of those “Haulin’ Ass” bumper stickers. Classic.
7) If I had a van, I might name it Ghost Dancing and travel the country to find myself like William Least Heat-Moon, who wrote “Blue Highways,” which sold a bazillion copies. I wrote a book about Lake Erie, which I explored in an old Dodge Caravan I named “Red Van.” My book didn’t sell quite as many copies.
8) I could deliver cakes.
9) Dude, we’re getting the band back together. (Actually, I was in the marching band, so a van wouldn’t be large enough. But we could get the trumpet section back together.)
10) I need a van to pull the bass boat, which my wife won’t let me buy – yet. But the longer I talk about how much I want a motorcycle, the more practical the van/boat combo is going to sound.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The First Annual Carpies
There is nothing sadder (or more perversely satisfying) than a TV commercial gone horribly off course.
Some are stunningly, inexplicably bad. Remember the one a few years back in which it appeared as though Orville Reddenbocker’s corpse had been reanimated to sell popcorn? Apparently, the creative requirements called for “repulsive.”
Others are good/bad. These are the ones that are superbly executed, generate a lot of conversation, win prestigious awards, yet somehow miss the mark. Like the “I’m a Mac and I’m superior to the PC,” ads. There, I said it. Probably nobody will agree with me, but I think the Microsoft ads in response were much more persuasive, except maybe to those who see themselves as that Mac Guy, but that’s a subject for another blog.
Then there are the evil bad ads, perfectly honed to hit their target audience right between the eyes, but without an ounce of decency. Like the late night spots for the Girls Gone Wild videos or just about any recent Burger King ad.
But the most sadistically satisfying ads are those where the creative team paid so much attention to the imagery that they forget what the hell they were supposed to be talking about.
Which is the case with the first annual winner of my very own awards contest, the Carpies.
And the winner is….
Korean Air’s “The Color of Perfection”
One by one, beautiful images convey upscale, sexy scenes of sexy, upscale people doing routine things, like standing on a hilltop in their underwear beneath a Photoshopped sky to a soundtrack of ethereal music. Words appear out of thin air.
Words like breathtaking, exquisite and visionary.
Still more words: graceful, understanding, pledging - even admired.
Wait for it…here’s the pitch: “What Korean Air is made of,” says the perfect female voice, followed closely by the perfect male voice putting the final touch on this masterpiece of snootiness: “Excellence in flight. Korean Air.”
(The “color of perfection” is apparently turquoise, which is the recurring visual cue woven from scene to shining scene.)
And when it’s over, the viewer is left panting, wondering two things: “What perfume was that?” and “Did that really say ‘pledging’? What the…”
There are many words and phrases that one might insert into an airline ad: safe, reliable, comfortable, roomy, less bus-like than Northwest.
“Pledging?” “Admired?” “Understanding.” What Korean Air is made of, apparently, are platitudes written on yellow sticky notes left over from last year’s strategic planning session.
I think the team that produced this spot is the same group that sends me spam that looks almost legit except for the broken English that shatters the illusion (“she will show you much adulation for this product”).
For pointless perfection, this year’s Carpy goes to…what was the name of that aquamarine-colored perfume again?
Runner Up: Amazon.com’s Kindle
(Note: Sorry, the video of this ad was pulled from YouTube.)
Amazon is running its first commercial for the Kindle, a device that is actually pretty cool, but whose attributes are veiled in a cloak of cuteness in this peppy little spot (which was made by an amateur, but that’s not the point).
If it were an ad for reading, it wouldn’t be half bad. But I’m going to assume that people who might buy a devise made for reading already, you know, read. Why not instead clue them in about how the Kindle might improve upon something they’ve probably been doing without a Kindle since the first grade.
OK, there is this: “Books in 60 seconds.” That little nugget is tucked in at the end. Eureka! An actual attribute! But I need more than that to convince me to spend $250 for another electronic device, as though I don’t already have more of them than I have pockets to put them in. For 250 bucks these days, I expect a blinking thingy to not only point the way to the next exit, but tell me the number of fat grams in today’s special at the nearest diner.
The Kindle is thin as a pencil, holds 1,500 books at a cost of just $9.99 each for New York Times Best Sellers. It weighs less than a Wendy’s double with cheese and downloads whatever title you want in seconds out of thin air without a computer or cell phone.
Instant books for cheap without killing trees? Sign me up!
But first, you have to tell me about it, which the ad never gets around to doing.
Perhaps – and even this is a stretch – perhaps if Kindle were already a household name, then this ad might have some redeeming qualities. But I’ve asked actual people who I assume can read and most have only a vague idea about what it is.
Maybe that’s because the advertising is, you know, vague.
Note: This ad is terrific for what it was created to be – a very well done, stop-action viral video submitted in a contest. I applaud the young LA photographer who crafted it and won $20,000 for her trouble (I believe that’s her in the ad). And I applaud Amazon for its use of social media to engage customers.
However.
Like the ad for Korean Air, the Kindle spot leaves me wondering what the perfume smells like.
Some are stunningly, inexplicably bad. Remember the one a few years back in which it appeared as though Orville Reddenbocker’s corpse had been reanimated to sell popcorn? Apparently, the creative requirements called for “repulsive.”
Others are good/bad. These are the ones that are superbly executed, generate a lot of conversation, win prestigious awards, yet somehow miss the mark. Like the “I’m a Mac and I’m superior to the PC,” ads. There, I said it. Probably nobody will agree with me, but I think the Microsoft ads in response were much more persuasive, except maybe to those who see themselves as that Mac Guy, but that’s a subject for another blog.
Then there are the evil bad ads, perfectly honed to hit their target audience right between the eyes, but without an ounce of decency. Like the late night spots for the Girls Gone Wild videos or just about any recent Burger King ad.
But the most sadistically satisfying ads are those where the creative team paid so much attention to the imagery that they forget what the hell they were supposed to be talking about.
Which is the case with the first annual winner of my very own awards contest, the Carpies.
And the winner is….
Korean Air’s “The Color of Perfection”
One by one, beautiful images convey upscale, sexy scenes of sexy, upscale people doing routine things, like standing on a hilltop in their underwear beneath a Photoshopped sky to a soundtrack of ethereal music. Words appear out of thin air.
Words like breathtaking, exquisite and visionary.
Still more words: graceful, understanding, pledging - even admired.
Wait for it…here’s the pitch: “What Korean Air is made of,” says the perfect female voice, followed closely by the perfect male voice putting the final touch on this masterpiece of snootiness: “Excellence in flight. Korean Air.”
(The “color of perfection” is apparently turquoise, which is the recurring visual cue woven from scene to shining scene.)
And when it’s over, the viewer is left panting, wondering two things: “What perfume was that?” and “Did that really say ‘pledging’? What the…”
There are many words and phrases that one might insert into an airline ad: safe, reliable, comfortable, roomy, less bus-like than Northwest.
“Pledging?” “Admired?” “Understanding.” What Korean Air is made of, apparently, are platitudes written on yellow sticky notes left over from last year’s strategic planning session.
I think the team that produced this spot is the same group that sends me spam that looks almost legit except for the broken English that shatters the illusion (“she will show you much adulation for this product”).
For pointless perfection, this year’s Carpy goes to…what was the name of that aquamarine-colored perfume again?
Runner Up: Amazon.com’s Kindle
(Note: Sorry, the video of this ad was pulled from YouTube.)
Amazon is running its first commercial for the Kindle, a device that is actually pretty cool, but whose attributes are veiled in a cloak of cuteness in this peppy little spot (which was made by an amateur, but that’s not the point).
If it were an ad for reading, it wouldn’t be half bad. But I’m going to assume that people who might buy a devise made for reading already, you know, read. Why not instead clue them in about how the Kindle might improve upon something they’ve probably been doing without a Kindle since the first grade.
OK, there is this: “Books in 60 seconds.” That little nugget is tucked in at the end. Eureka! An actual attribute! But I need more than that to convince me to spend $250 for another electronic device, as though I don’t already have more of them than I have pockets to put them in. For 250 bucks these days, I expect a blinking thingy to not only point the way to the next exit, but tell me the number of fat grams in today’s special at the nearest diner.
The Kindle is thin as a pencil, holds 1,500 books at a cost of just $9.99 each for New York Times Best Sellers. It weighs less than a Wendy’s double with cheese and downloads whatever title you want in seconds out of thin air without a computer or cell phone.
Instant books for cheap without killing trees? Sign me up!
But first, you have to tell me about it, which the ad never gets around to doing.
Perhaps – and even this is a stretch – perhaps if Kindle were already a household name, then this ad might have some redeeming qualities. But I’ve asked actual people who I assume can read and most have only a vague idea about what it is.
Maybe that’s because the advertising is, you know, vague.
Note: This ad is terrific for what it was created to be – a very well done, stop-action viral video submitted in a contest. I applaud the young LA photographer who crafted it and won $20,000 for her trouble (I believe that’s her in the ad). And I applaud Amazon for its use of social media to engage customers.
However.
Like the ad for Korean Air, the Kindle spot leaves me wondering what the perfume smells like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)