Life in The HUp Lane
Distracted drivers are now the rule, not the exception. If the Pope got behind the wheel of the Popemobile, we would no doubt see him texting, juggling a McMuffin and iced cap, and fiddling with his Tom Tom (not in an unholy way). Not to mention occasionally sprinkling water on the gathered flock.
It is folly to criminalize the behavior of the masses (not the pope kind of masses, but, well, you know what I mean). Instead can’t we just build highways to accommodate the new norm? It’s just lazy engineering, if you ask me. What could it cost to add some padded guardrails, rumble strips between lanes and roundabouts so people with more important things to do can circle until they press SEND without being distracted by traffic signals?
Big cities have High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lanes. Isn’t it time for the Head-Up-A## (HUP) lane?
I Have Doubts
Insert rimshots where appropriate.
I choose not to believe in gravity, my mind is made up, so just go sell your socialist agenda somewhere else – I’m not buying it.
I’m skeptical of the “labradoodle.” Sounds to me like a shoddy breeder left the back gate open then found a clever way to profit from his carelessness.
Don’t get me started on grapples. Like we really need an apple that tastes like a grape. Make me brussels sprouts that taste like bacon, then I’ll be impressed.
In Michigan, they have yellow, flashing turn signals. Is that not the epitome of pointlessness?
Founding Typo
As a strict constitutionalist, I insist on spelling Pennsylvania with one “n.” Also, I Spell random words with capital Letters.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
This Bud’s For Market Research
NEWSFLASH: Budweiser drinkers are 42 percent more likely to drive a truck than the average American.
That’s not all. We also know that people who drink Blue Moon are 105 percent more likely to own a hybrid, Corona drinkers know how to party and those with inflated egos prefer Heineken.
OK, maybe we didn’t need a marketing research company like Mindset Media to tell us that the driver of the pickup with the “Back Off” mud flaps probably isn’t your average Stella Artois sipper. Or that the guy at the bar hugging the green Heinie bottle isn’t as important as he thinks he is.
But did you know that Bud Light drinkers are 48 percent more likely to play the lottery, Michelob Ultra fans are 34 percent more likely to buy life insurance and craft beer drinkers like me are happy-go-lucky slackers who are 52 percent more likely to watch “The Office.”
In case you were wondering.
These and other fascinating facts are examples of what marketing types call “Who gives a…”
No, actually, according to a story in Advertising Age magazine, they call it psychographics. Companies pay lots of money to learn what customers and potential customers are thinking. I’m analyzing your thoughts right now. (You think I’m kidding, but you’re reading this on Blogger, which is owned by Google and The Google knows what you had for breakfast [toast and OJ].)
I’m not sure how they do it over at Mindset Media, but the Research Division here at Carpenter Communications has uncovered some “psychographics” of its own, based on years of observing average people, often while drinking our pretentious craft beers.
Here are just a few of our recent findings:
• Some beer psychographics you won’t hear about in Advertising Age: Keystone drinkers are 56 percent more likely to need life insurance, nearly 13 percent of PBR drinkers can read and those who drink Guinness are 82 percent more awesome than those who drink all other beers combined.
• Women who bought the “Flirty Girl Fitness” video also purchased Ben-Gay and Ace bandages. (Over 78 percent of people who purchased “Flirty Girl” were actually men in pickups who drink Bud.)
• Those who drive white Ford Explorers with crinkled left front fenders and Michigan plates are six times less likely than people who aren’t INSANE to grasp the concept of “merging” on I-475 this morning. Jerk.
• People who live in glass houses are 97 percent less likely than the average person to throw stones, and nearly 200 percent more likely to buy Windex in the economy size.
We have also discovered that those who answer psychographic research surveys are 75 percent more likely to have nothing better to do but watch Dr. Phil with their cat all day.
The Google tells me that you are currently thinking that our Research Division dropped out of college, which may or may not be true. However, before you dismiss our psychographic analysis, let me just ask you one thing: Where do you think the idea for the Snuggie came from? It’s got Dr. Phil and Fluffy written all over it.
In the interest of fairness, we should point out that our Research Division does like his Heineken.
That’s not all. We also know that people who drink Blue Moon are 105 percent more likely to own a hybrid, Corona drinkers know how to party and those with inflated egos prefer Heineken.
OK, maybe we didn’t need a marketing research company like Mindset Media to tell us that the driver of the pickup with the “Back Off” mud flaps probably isn’t your average Stella Artois sipper. Or that the guy at the bar hugging the green Heinie bottle isn’t as important as he thinks he is.
But did you know that Bud Light drinkers are 48 percent more likely to play the lottery, Michelob Ultra fans are 34 percent more likely to buy life insurance and craft beer drinkers like me are happy-go-lucky slackers who are 52 percent more likely to watch “The Office.”
In case you were wondering.
These and other fascinating facts are examples of what marketing types call “Who gives a…”
No, actually, according to a story in Advertising Age magazine, they call it psychographics. Companies pay lots of money to learn what customers and potential customers are thinking. I’m analyzing your thoughts right now. (You think I’m kidding, but you’re reading this on Blogger, which is owned by Google and The Google knows what you had for breakfast [toast and OJ].)
I’m not sure how they do it over at Mindset Media, but the Research Division here at Carpenter Communications has uncovered some “psychographics” of its own, based on years of observing average people, often while drinking our pretentious craft beers.
Here are just a few of our recent findings:
• Some beer psychographics you won’t hear about in Advertising Age: Keystone drinkers are 56 percent more likely to need life insurance, nearly 13 percent of PBR drinkers can read and those who drink Guinness are 82 percent more awesome than those who drink all other beers combined.
• Women who bought the “Flirty Girl Fitness” video also purchased Ben-Gay and Ace bandages. (Over 78 percent of people who purchased “Flirty Girl” were actually men in pickups who drink Bud.)
• Those who drive white Ford Explorers with crinkled left front fenders and Michigan plates are six times less likely than people who aren’t INSANE to grasp the concept of “merging” on I-475 this morning. Jerk.
• People who live in glass houses are 97 percent less likely than the average person to throw stones, and nearly 200 percent more likely to buy Windex in the economy size.
We have also discovered that those who answer psychographic research surveys are 75 percent more likely to have nothing better to do but watch Dr. Phil with their cat all day.
The Google tells me that you are currently thinking that our Research Division dropped out of college, which may or may not be true. However, before you dismiss our psychographic analysis, let me just ask you one thing: Where do you think the idea for the Snuggie came from? It’s got Dr. Phil and Fluffy written all over it.
In the interest of fairness, we should point out that our Research Division does like his Heineken.
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