Monday, May 31, 2010

Lucas List No. 2: Don’t Run With Scissors For An Hour After Eating

Dear Lucas,

You’re four months old now, which means you’ll be having children of your own soon. I want to share with you some nuggets of sage wisdom passed down for generations, and a few things I thought of this afternoon while mowing the grass.

This is important, so let’s watch the kitty later, OK? Ready? Yes, I see the ceiling fan. Here goes, Lucas. Lucas? Listen to grandpa now.

Alright, maybe you’ll read this a little later.

1. A “really good” job is one where you’re overpaid for what you do, you get to make your own hours and shoes are optional. The rest are just OK jobs.

2. You don’t have to wait an hour after eating before going into the pool, that’s just something moms made up so they could go in the house for another Long Island. The running with scissors thing, however, is true: you should always wait until at least an hour after eating.

3. Never let the oil change place up-sell you. Your hubcaps don’t need rotating, or whatever they made up at their staff meeting that morning.

4. Extended warranties are for sissies.

5. If the question is, “Does this hat look silly,” the answer is invariably, “Yes it does.”

6. Nobody really knows what “icing” means. In hockey, they make up the rules as they go.

7. The special probably isn’t.

8. Never make an important decision based on advice you got in a bar or a bait shop.

9. Always listen to old people, and never make fun of them until they leave the room.

10. Buy yourself a dozen identical pairs of black socks. You won’t regret it.

Lucas List No. 1: Some Things You Should Know

Monday, March 29, 2010

And Now, The News

We’ve just learned that Jesus is returning, and you’ll never guess where he’s expected to turn up. That and other news coming up, but first our top story:

Ricky Martin is Gay!

The Puerto Rican pop star made the shocking announcement today on Twitter in both English and Spanish, ending years of speculation that he would choose to come out on Facebook.

Our other top story tonight, the Republican National Committee took a break from railing against fiscal irresponsibility and the erosion of family values to answer questions about expenditures of GOP donor money on luxury hotels, private jets and a West Hollywood club called Voyeur that “features topless dancers wearing horse bridles and other bondage gear while mimicking sex acts.”

When asked about the accusations of lurid behavior and wasteful spending, RNC Chair Michael Steele replied, “Ricky Martin’s gay?”

And now back to our breaking news: Jesus is coming…to a trailer park in southeast Michigan. According to the FBI, nine members of a Christian militia group planned to welcome the Savior by staging violent assaults on police officers, in accordance with biblical teaching.

Turning to politics, a new poll shows that nearly 80 percent of Americans say they are willing to oppose health care reform, immigration reform, financial reform or whatever the hell other kind of reform they have to oppose to get Sen. Michele Bachmann to just stop talking for five minutes. The same poll showed a plurality of Americans are distrustful of a senator who spells Michele with only one “l” but Bachmann with a double “n.” Also, it appears that her ranting about President Obama being born on Pluto and agents of the Census Bureau hiding in her sock drawer are starting to creep people out.

Now in entertainment news, voting began today for the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, as if anyone really cares.

Stormin’ Norman will be back with tomorrow’s forecast, but first, here are your winning lottery numbers.

Welcome back. Turns out our own Norm Cumulus was the lucky winner of tonight’s lottery. Congratulations Normy – $6.29 million is nothing to sneeze at. I’ll bet your forecast is looking up. What can the rest of expect?

You can expect to look it up on weather.com like everyone else, Stu, because I don’t really give a…

Sorry, we’re experiencing a little technical difficulty there. Let’s throw it over to Bart Beerman in the sports center for this week’s edition of the Friday Freakout Live. It’s been a busy night in the sports center where they covered 1,400 high school events, including a remarkable upset in that contest we told you about earlier at the Chester A. Arthur Middle School science fair.

We’ll see you tomorrow.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Thoughts On Turning 46

Forty-six feels a lot like 36, only my knees hurt more.

Pressing decision of the moment: whether to spend $500 on a bicycle.

Long-term dilemma: go back to school or buy a bass boat.

What I realized today: I don’t need this $&#@ anymore. Life’s a year shorter, and here’s one thing I’m not going to waste any more time doing.

What I would most like to have: Nothing comes to mind.

What I would most like to do: Go for a walk on a beach.

What else I realized today: I am really fat, which is why my knees hurt and I want to buy a $500 bike.

What I want to be doing at 56: Everything I’m doing now, only better.

Archive: Thoughts On 35 (10 Years Ago)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Show (Dog) Time

Welcome back to the Westminster Dog Show. I’m Howard Von Snout here with Claudia Piddles to bring you live commentary of this year’s show from Madison Square Garden.

We’ve just seen some of the best examples of the working class breeds. Coming up a little later tonight are the upper-middle class breeds, including the newest hybrid dog in the competition, the Schnoodle-pit-huahua-retriever.

But first, we're going to bring you the exciting rare breeds that you've all been waiting for.

And here they come now.

First up is a Klutzsteiner. These dogs are a delicate breed prone to tripping over their own four paws. Ouch, there he goes now, true to form. These little ankle biters should probably wear a helmet, Claudia.

Over here, Howard, is a Guatemalan Smiling Dog, a deceptively named breed. Powerful for its small stature, a “Smiley's” trademark expression is more of a snarl. They are cute little guys, but don’t turn your back on them. They’ve been known to kill their master in his sleep.

And here comes Stoner, the Jamaican ganja retriever, Claudia. Everybody loves the “Jammers.” These dogs are the life of the party. Notice how he struts in slow motion – he's not taking this seriously at all. These dogs make terrific family pets, but they do have an insatiable appetite for Cheetos and never chip in for gas money.

Yea, and don’t try to take them for a walk before noon, Howard.

Up next is the long-haired French Fufu Pookie. “FuPoos” are renown companion dogs, especially adapted to city living. They are a high-maintenance breed and aren’t for everybody. They require constant praise, generally in annoying baby talk, and never wear the same sweater two days in a row.

Here’s a brand new entry to the show. Talk about rare, Howard: It’s a Tibetan Yak Nipper. These are tough little dogs known for their fierce loyalty to their master, but a deep-seeded hatred of all other human beings. “Yippers” make excellent companions for really mean people. My ex has two.

Claudia, if I could interrupt, I see a Dutch Doofus entering the ring -- and I’m not talking about my brother-in-law Henrick - just kidding. “DuDos” are a handsome, if not particularly intelligent breed. They were bred by the Grand Dukes of Luxembourg, primarily as doorstops. Look at him chasing his tail, Claudia. That’s one dumb pooch.

Dumb as a box of Milkbones, Howard. Not you, the dog. But if you want to see a truly pitiful species, check out the mutts coming up next in the Unfortunate Cross-breeding Category. Wait till you see these furry freaks. But first, a word from our sponsor...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Tired Of Being Polite

Race had nothing to do with it, the way I saw it.

An off-duty police officer was simply fed up with neighborhood kids vandalizing his yard. So when he caught one of the brats red handed, he did something monumentally stupid, as fed-up men will sometimes do: he bolted from the house brandishing his service weapon.

I don't know what he was thinking, but there is no doubt in my mind that the aging policeman never meant for the gun to go off, striking the little boy in the leg. I can’t say I knew the guy, but I knew about him, and I will never be convinced that he intended to shoot a kindergartner for throwing stones.

White cop. Black boy.

I covered the resulting march on city hall as a young newspaper reporter. While the crowd gathered around a local civil rights activist before the march began, I managed to ask him a few questions:

Why are you doing this?
“Someone has to look out for this boy’s rights,” he said.

Do you really think this was a racial act?
“I have no idea.”

Then why not wait until all the facts come out? What about the officer’s rights?
“He has plenty of people looking out for his rights.”

As the group paraded down the street, following the cute little boy in the wheelchair with his leg still in a cast, I realized what was really going on. And race had everything to do with it.

It wasn’t about the shooting. It was about the ugly, jeering crowd that lined the street. They’re the ones who made it about race; the march only set the stage.

It was about the mob that turned out at the suburban city hall and the near-riot that ensued. I remember the helmets and batons, shields and assault rifles laid out on a long table inside the city building, just in case.

The anger on the white faces in the crowd said all that needed to be said. This wasn’t about a cop or a little boy to them, either. It was about choosing a side.

What left an  impression on me – let’s call it a scar – was the smirk on the civil rights activist’s face as he and a few dozen of his supporters walked silently down the road while people called them names. He knew what he was doing – letting the ranting idiots who taunted them make his point for him. He played the bigots like puppets, and they responded exactly as he knew they would.

I’m reminded of that day when I see the mobs marching on Washington and elsewhere toting signs with racial caricatures and sayings directed at a black president. Like the mob at the march I witnessed, their anger seems out of proportion to whatever “socialist” strawman they came to protest this time.

It’s not about healthcare or taxes or whatever cause the ranting entertainers on TV and radio used to ratchet up these people’s rage. I know what it’s about and so do you. But we tolerate it the way we tolerate the crazy uncle who throws around racial slurs because “that’s just how he is – he’s really a nice guy.”

No, he’s not.

At what point do we demand that people who know better – from former congressmen and governors to TV talking heads who fan the flames of hatred for their own gain – defend their fiery, race-baiting remarks instead of treating them as “equal time?”

At what point should I speak up when a man remarks to me, as though I’d understand, that he doesn’t shop at the Kroger by his house because “everyone knows that’s the black Kroger.”

What do I say to the man who forwards me emails about patriotism and Jesus, riddled with ethnic slurs and calls for violence against Muslims?

The march I witnessed at city hall happened many years ago, but the Kroger remark happened last week and the latest email arrived yesterday. I responded by being polite, treating them like the crazy uncle who’s really a nice guy despite the vulgar stupidity that comes out of his mouth.

I suppose I will just continue to smirk and let the idiots reveal themselves for what they really are. But I’m getting awfully tired of being polite.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Lucas List: Entry #1 - Some Things You Should Know

Dear Lucas,

I’m new at this, and you’re just one day old, but I’m taking my grandfather duties seriously from the start.

Your grandpa isn’t old or wise. Let’s face it, mature would be a stretch. But I’m not starting this list of grandfatherly advice because I’m so smart. It’s just that I have a 45-year head start on you and I think I can share some tips and observations that you might find useful growing up.

Here are a few things I’d like you to know. I’ll add to the list from time to time when I think of something new.

1. People generally mean well, even if it’s not always obvious.

2. You never want to take a job “for the money.”

3. Everything you’ll hear about girls is true, or sort of true. Take notes.

4. There’s no such thing as a secret.

5. Bigots and zealots are beneath you. Don’t hate the haters, just defeat them every chance you get.

6. Pick your battles. It’s a cliché, but it’s a good one.

7. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter. (That’s what great-grandpa says, and he’s a salesman, so he knows what he’s talking about.)

8. Be loyal, but don’t always expect the same in return. Sometimes people suck.

9. Trust people until they give you a reason not to. I’m not saying to be a doormat, but being paranoid and isolated is no way to go through life. See No. 8.

10. You can be happy without being selfish. In my experience, the two are mutually exclusive.