I have an irrational itch to buy a van. Not a mini-van, but a full-size, gas-guzzling, doesn’t-fit-in-the-garage VAN van. Something from the Ford E-series. I don’t know why, exactly, but here are 10 possible reasons I can think of:
1) A van says, “Fashion doesn’t apply to me. I’m beyond fashion. I’m post-fashion. You wouldn’t understand.”
2) Vans are boxy. Boxy is good. Whatever the opposite of aerodynamic is, that’s what vans are. I like to displace a lot of air when I drive. That’s just me.
3) It would be a home away from home. I could have a picnic in there. Or spend the night. And if that van’s a rockin’, you know, I could be playing Snowball Fight on the Wii Fit or something.
4) Almost nobody has one. That would place me in an elite club, like astronauts or serial killers or the number of people who saw Glenn Beck's new movie “The Christmas Sweater – A Return To Redemption.”
5) It may be the closest I ever get to my dream of driving a bus, which I’ve had since I was a kid when I used to break into the old church bus parked across the field from my house. I did get to drive a city snowplow once, for a couple miles, but that’s as close as I got.
6) I could get one of those “Haulin’ Ass” bumper stickers. Classic.
7) If I had a van, I might name it Ghost Dancing and travel the country to find myself like William Least Heat-Moon, who wrote “Blue Highways,” which sold a bazillion copies. I wrote a book about Lake Erie, which I explored in an old Dodge Caravan I named “Red Van.” My book didn’t sell quite as many copies.
8) I could deliver cakes.
9) Dude, we’re getting the band back together. (Actually, I was in the marching band, so a van wouldn’t be large enough. But we could get the trumpet section back together.)
10) I need a van to pull the bass boat, which my wife won’t let me buy – yet. But the longer I talk about how much I want a motorcycle, the more practical the van/boat combo is going to sound.