I am in receipt of your letter dated September 29, 2009. Is this some kind of freaking joke? Seriously, who taught you people how to write?
According to your correspondence, I am either A) about to be evicted or, B) nominated for a Nobel Prize. It was unclear. I’m sure even you can understand why this might concern me.
Why not save a few trees and just say what's on your mind. I don’t think either of us wants me to call your 1-800 number for clarification, getting angrier and angrier as your auto-attendant system transfers me seven times before delivering me – now cranked up to a homicidal rage – to YOU. Do we?
Here's a little free advice about how to structure future letters.
1) Tell me first what happened or what is going to happen, and what it means to me.
Example: “The house is on fire. You are in danger. “
2) Tell me, very clearly, what you want me to do, or what my options are.
Example: “Run.”
3) Would it kill you to pretend to care?
4) Grovel, deflect blame, cover your ass – whatever you need to do – only after telling me what I need to know-slash-do. This is less important because I’m probably not going to read it, anyway, but if it makes you feel better, knock yourself out.
I hope this letter was helpful. I value our relationship. OK, I was kidding around there; we don’t have a relationship.
Love,
Scott
# # #
Dear Acer Group, Inc.,
I'm typing this letter on one of your Acer POS netbooks, which are really cute, but...
I'm sure you know by now that the unfortunate clustering of the arrow/Pg Up/Pg Dn/Home/End keys was not the smartest idea you ever had. Right? So, I don't have to tell you.
Still, I was wondering: does your 90-day warranty cover the replacement cost of my picture window?
Luv U Bunches,
Scott
# # #
Dear David Letterman,
As a public relations professional, I’d just like to tell you what a great job you’ve done handling you’re recent image problem. Telling your audience about the blackmail and the underlying affairs so they would hear the news from you first was a smart move. Poking fun at yourself was very effective, too (careful not to overdo it!).
Let me put something out there, just for discussion, that might help prevent further damage to your personal brand. Just to think about. You might - I think you know I'm just looking out for your best interest here - you might not want to cheat on your wife with subordinates less than half your age. Just a suggestion. I may be wrong.
Keep your World Wide Pants on, Dave, LOL. (You can use that one if you want to.)
Scott
# # #
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
The new suits look good, Mahmoud. Didn’t you get the tie I sent?
Say, you might want to lighten up a little over there. Just sayin’. The rocket thing – not cool. People are already pissed about the election.
You know I’m always straight with you, bro. That whole “the holocaust never happened” thing is a little out there. People don’t always get you.
Still up for some beer pong on Thursday?
Call/text.
Scott
# # #
Dear Glenn Beck,
The gargoyle in the red hat will emerge from the lagoon on Labor Day. Please send sardines.
Keep your head down, dude. We’re praying for you.
FreakyFreddy57@AOL.com
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Dear Mr. Wldozskiwicz,
Thank you for your recent letter. We here at Carpenter Communications place great value on the input we receive from stakeholders such as you.
Our Engineering Dept. is checking into the physical feasibility of your suggestion about what we can do with our “juvenile/elitist/communist drivel.” The sketches you sent were very helpful.
Get well soon,
Scott