I couldn’t decide whether to write about politics, religion or my cat, Tiger, an evangelical right-winger (unlike Maggie, our agnostic Labrador retriever, who leans Libertarian. Yea, it’s like Animal Farm at our house.). Then I decided sex was a much safer topic for my second official blog post.
But THEN, I had a REALLY great idea to write about… ANYTHING else, comically using uppercase words.
So, what follows is a complete list of incomplete thoughts I’ve been writing down in an actual notebook. Some topics may be developed into full-fledged posts of their own in the future, but most will not, for reasons that will be obvious. Enjoy.
Hi, I’m An Egotistical Slacker
Hi, I’m a Mac. I live with my parents, and I’m much cooler than you.
And I’m a PC. I just repoed Mac’s car.
Cleanup In Aisle B
My first paying job, when I was about 14, was handing out cheese samples in grocery stores (colby, mostly), so I’m more than qualified to offer advice to the grocery industry. Two words: Alphabetical aisles. No more guessing where to find tangerines, just go to the T aisle, between taco shells and toenail clippers. Simple! Once I figure out what to do with ketchup, I think the Kroger people are going to be very interested in talking to me.
Fancy Footwork
Tom DeLay is on Dancing with the Stars. Next season: Michael Vick dances the merengue with Squeaky Fromme.
Amped Up
Where the hell is the ampersand? Blackberry users, you know what I’m talkin’ about.
Bringing Bitchy Back
“Son of a bitch” is a phrase that’s due to make a big comeback.
Bedder Marketing
Speaking of sex, how can it be that sex is used to sell everything except beds? Why is there no Love Lounger, no Babymaker, no Nooner hide-a-bed? Too obvious? Get real. We have cartoon bears selling toilet paper that doesn’t leave “pieces”; I think the S.S Decency set sail a long time ago. So, how long before we start seeing commercials for the Craftmatic Coitus, the Position Number Bed or the BoinkMaster 9000?
Fashion Nonsense
I have never seen anyone in Walmart wearing a zebra print Snuggie and Crocks flip-flops, but I will. Mark my words, I will.
A Dream Come True
I have been DYING to use “BoinkMaster 9000” in a story since the 8th grade!