(Never before published)
The oral hygiene industry is on the verge of what may be the most significant advancement in dental care since the discovery of "Retsin": The $5 toothbrush.
If you haven't visited the oral care section of your local supermarket lately - and what better time than February, National Dental Month - you would be amazed at the variety of products available to you, the consumer with yellow teeth.
Thanks to recent scientific breakthroughs in marketing, toothbrushes are now available with more options than most minivans, with sticker prices to match. You can spend up to $4.99 for luxury models, excluding options and destination charges.
The current BMW of brushes comes with "cross action" bristles, a "patented power cleaning tip," flexible head and an angled handle with rubber grip. It is available in approximately 47 color schemes, plus the "Blue's Clue's" edition for the kids.
How much would you pay now?
But wait! As a bonus, you also get a color "indicator" stripe that gradually fades to alert you that you are too stupid to figure out for yourself when it's time to buy a new brush.
Better stores carry the left-handed model.
These new, space-age toothbrushes promise cleaner, healthier teeth in just a few weeks when used as part of an oral care regimen that includes a tarter control, whitening toothpaste with baking soda, a plaque remover, fluoride rinse, antiseptic mouthwash and weekly visits to your dentist.
For problem teeth, there's "age-defying," peroxide, natural, enamel-strengthening, nighttime and "sensitive" toothpaste. And don't forget the flat, waxed, mint-flavored, shred-resistant and new "satin" floss.
But what do I do to prevent tooth decay between brushing, rinsing, flossing and reading the July 1994 issue of Time in my dentist's waiting room, you ask? Well, unless you are a slacker, you chew one of the new dental care gums on the market, which contain the same active ingredient used in cat box deodorizer.
I know what you're thinking. Cavity prevention didn't used to be this difficult. All you needed was the free brush your dentist gave you and a little dab of Pepsident and you were good to go. But that was before the invention of plaque, gingivitis and morning breath. So, unless you'd rather be using Poly-Grip, you had better put your money where your mouth is.
Sure, you can clean your teeth with a $1.99 brush, but one of those new high-tech toothbrushes would look much cooler in your Tommy Hilfiger designer toothbrush holder, which I actually saw for sale at Dillards during the holidays.
More to the point, I have proof that these fancy new toothbrushes really work. It says so in scientific papers with actual names such as "Plaque Removal Efficacy of a Novel, Advanced Toothbrush" and "Grip Architecture in Manual Toothbrushing." These and other compelling articles ("Perceptual Attributes of Flossing" is a real page-turner) are available on the Oral-B Laboratories web page.
Oral-B has the bragging rights to the current, state-of-the-art dental care device, the "CrossAction" toothbrush. According to the web site, the company spent three years, filed 26 patents and invested $70 million in a new manufacturing facility to develop this "bold departure from traditional vertical-bristle toothbrush design."
(You can learn a lot about dental care on the Internet. For example, the web site for Pearl Drops, the whitening tooth polish, has a "Guide to Better Kissing," a game called "Check Your Love Pulse" and a quiz to test your "carnal knowledge." Pearl Drops, incidentally, is sold by the same company that makes such brand names as Trojan and First Response, so you might say they have all the bases covered.)
Of course, as with most consumer products, the key to success is giving the consumer the most effective product for the greatest value, right? Don't be silly. The most important thing is having a great name. I'm partial to the Colegate "Navigator," which implies that it is a rugged, American-made luxury sport-utility toothbrush.
I would be remiss if I did not mention two other recent advancements in oral healthcare: The battery-powered toothbrush and a power flossing device that is basically a power drill with a piece of string clenched in the chuck - the manly way to floss.
With all of these new products competing for our dental dollars, I worry about where this oral hygiene arms race will lead. It's only a matter of time before the boys in R & D get together, probably over beer, and wonder why they never thought to combine the battery-power and "indicator stripe" technology, with a microchip thrown in.
Introducing the new "Tartar Terminator," the first toothbrush that not only sandblasts the crud off your teeth, but sends you a "tweet" to remind you when it's time to buy a replacement. Only $19.95